Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Raw like an Onion

My thinking spot is in the shower. This morning I was thinking about the types of things I'd write about on here if I wasn't afraid to let it all hang loose... the things I'd write if this were more of a journal where the only audience I thought about was myself.

I'd write about how tired I am at the moment, how being in a classroom teaching and dealing with student behaviour is so challenging and mentally exhausting. I'd write down how much more valuable my time at home is at the moment, and how wonderful weekends are. I'd make a note of how hard it is to change from a uni lifestyle to that of a primary school teacher (sooooo difficult).


If I wanted to let it all hang out, I'd write about how I still miss my cat. About how nearly four months on I still sometimes think I hear him, and still have that bitter sweep of disappointment when I remember that he's gone. I'd write about how I can still see him perfectly clearly in my mind's eye, and can still recall how it felt to have him snuggled up to my side or curled up on my lap. I'd write about how sometimes remembering him makes tears come to my eyes, and how I wonder if it's okay to still miss him.

I'd write about how I don't understand teen girls. I'd write about how much I struggle to keep calm when I'm getting so frustrated by other people's behaviour. I'd write about how I often take big, big breathes before responding.


I'd write about how messy my house is at the moment and how I don't feel like I have the energy to get it back into shape after being in a classroom all day. I'd write about how I struggle with this so much, and that I struggle with knowing that I can change things if only I was determined enough.

I'd write about how I realised when it was that I put on weight (after failing my prac in 2009), and how I am beginning to really start desiring to lose it and fit back into my gorgeous (expensive) trousers. I'd write about how I feel like I'm not allowed to want to lose the weight I've put on because of the amount of people who have said to me, "Oh, you don't need to loose weight, you're tiny!" I'd write about how I actually do need to lose weight, for my mental wellbeing as much as my physical health.


I'd write about a lot of things. But instead, I present an version of myself that's capable, creative and happy. And I am all these things, but sometimes I am tired. Sometimes I am worn out or frustrated or both. Sometimes I feel a wave of grief, and sometimes I feel like I'm never going to succeed. I know I will succeed in the end, and I know that these harder times will eventually pass, but despite the knowing, the feelings can sometimes be overwhelming.

If I wrote about the real, the struggles, and not just about the good and the accomplishments, what would that mean for this blog - would I lose some of you as readers? Should this even matter to me? I know it would, because I love knowing that what I write is read by others, and to think that it might encourage someone, or make one of you smile - perhaps even laugh.